The following is from Parenting.com and describes some common parent missteps and ways to respectfully eliminate them.
I was trying to do two things at once -- cook (in the kitchen) while deciphering some paperwork (in the next room). I'd been interrupted a thousand times with requests for snacks, shrieks over spilled paint water, questions about what squirrels like to eat, and arguments over whether clouds could be blue and flowers could be green. And did I mention that a ruptured disk in my back was throbbing even worse than my head? Still, nothing can excuse my behavior that afternoon. I erupted like Mount Momsuvius: "Enough! Get out! Stop bothering me!" The look on my daughters' faces said it all. The 2-year-old's eyes widened. The 4-year-old furrowed her brow and jabbed her thumb between her lips. Immediately I wished I could stuff the hot-lava words back into my mouth. They certainly hadn't come from my heart, or my brain.
We all say the wrong thing sometimes, leaving our kids feeling hurt, angry, or confused. Read on for some of the most common verbal missteps moms and dads make, and kinder, gentler alternatives:
'Don't cry'
Variations: "Don't be sad." "Don't be a baby." "Now, now -- there's no reason to be afraid." But kids do get upset enough to cry, especially toddlers, who can't always articulate their feelings with words. They do get sad. They do get frightened.
Rather than deny that your child feels a particular way -- when he obviously does -- acknowledge the emotion up front.
"It must make you really sad when Jason says he doesn't want to be your friend anymore." "Yes, the waves sure can be scary when you're not used to them. But we'll just stand here together and let them tickle our feet. I promise I won't let go of your hand."
By naming the real feelings that your child has, you'll give him the words to express himself -- and you'll show him what it means to be empathetic. Ultimately, he'll cry less and describe his emotions instead.
'You know better than that!'
Like comparisons, quick gibes can sting in ways parents never imagine. Learning is a process of trial and error. Did your child really understand that a heavy pitcher would be hard to pour from? Maybe it didn't seem that full, or it was different from the one he's successfully poured from by himself at preschool.
Give your child the benefit of the doubt, and be specific. Say "I like it better if you do it this way, thank you."
'Wait till daddy gets home!'
This familiar parenting cliché is not only another kind of threat, it's also diluted discipline. To be effective, you need to take care of a situation immediately yourself.
Discipline that's postponed doesn't connect the consequences with your child's actions. By the time the other parent gets home, it's likely that your child will actually have forgotten what she did wrong. Alternately, the agony of anticipating a punishment may be worse than what the original crime deserved.
Passing the buck to someone else also undermines your authority. "Why should I listen to Mom if she's not going to do anything anyway?" your child may reason. Not least, you're putting your partner in an undeserved bad-cop role.
'Hurry up!'
Who in this world of back-to-back appointments, overbooked schedules, sleep deficits, and traffic snarls hasn't uttered these immortal words?
Certainly every parent whose toddler can't find his shoes or blankie or who's blissfully oblivious of anything but putting on his socks "all by self!" has. Consider, though, your tone of voice when you implore a child to hurry, and how often you say it.
If you're starting to whine, screech, or sigh every day, with your hands on your hips and your toes tapping, beware. There's a tendency when we're rushed to make our kids feel guilty for making us rush. The guilt may make them feel bad, but it doesn't motivate them to move faster.
'Great job!" or "Good girl!'
What could possibly be wrong with praise? Positive reinforcement, after all, is one of the most effective tools a parent has. The trouble comes in when the praise is vague and indiscriminate.
Kids tune it out. They can also tell the difference between praise for doing something rote or simple and praise for a real effort.
· Praise only those accomplishments that require real effort. Finishing a glass of milk doesn't cut it. Neither does drawing a picture, if your child is the kind who makes dozens of them every day.
· Be specific. Instead of "Beautiful job," say, "What bright, happy colors you picked for the dog's spots." Or "I see you drew a picture of the story that we read this morning."
